Random mishaps
by TheFallenWriter
Summary: Events between the now 'peaceful' Autobots and Decepticons.  Note I use that term loosely.  What could go wrong?


A/N: Holy COW! An update.

Yeah, I figured to take a break from my SUPER SECRET PROJECT THAT ONLY TATYANA WITWICKY KNOWS ABOUT and give you this. Actually, this has been in the works since college picked back up for me. I just finished it after proofreading it a few times. That and I lost my work when I needed to wipe my comp of a rather nasty virus.

WARNING: Major OOC for the LULZ.

A turn based battle

In the VR room, a match begun between the Autobots and Decepticons, two teams versus two teams. On the Autobot side had Optimus, Ironhide, and Ratchet for one team and Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, and Arcee for the second team. The Decepticons had Megatron, Soundwave, and Shockwave for one team and Starscream, Thundercracker, and Skywarp on the other. The Landscape looked to be a large, kinda distorted cavern and everyone was spread out. This match is the fourth match after a few technical difficulties.

"I need to kick your aft on a technicality." Megatron stated as the match started. He started in the upper area as Shockwave and Soundwave started on the bottom, near the bottomless pit of Energon.

"Why are we doing this again?" Optimus asked. He started near the edge of the battlefield while Ironhide started in the middle and Ratchet started not too far from Optimus. From Ironhides perch, he jumped down and used a grapple to swing right between Shockwave and Soundwave to drop a bomb.

"Oh FRAG! Plan has backfired!" Shockwave yelled as Ironhide landed right between them and placed a rather large bomb then pulled himself up. "Curse you technicalities; I thought you were my friend!" The bomb blew up, sending Soundwave bouncing to the left and Shockwave straight up and landed helm first back into the ground. He pulled himself out of the ground and glared at Ironhide. "Ow you fragging dynamite. That hurt."

"Damnit Soundwave, if you weren't there I could shoot Ironhide down and blow him up with the oil barrel." Starscream said to Megatron, observing the battlefield. Starscream stood just below Megatron while Skywarp had a perfect shot on Ironhide and Thundercracker stood at the far left of the battle.

"It's just Soundwave, I don't really care." Megatron responded, earning him a glare from Soundwave.

"Okay." Starscream sounded almost gleefully as he handed his turn off to Skywarp who aimed a shotgun at Ironhide.

"Hey, leave me out of this!" Ironhide yelled just before the 'con shot him and knocked him down to the barrel. From Ironhide's new placement, he looked at Soundwave who looked depressed at his current situation. Skywarp jumped down to get a better shot. At this, Ironhide looked pretty smug. "Are you really sure you're bad enough to kill your own teammate?"

"I'm pretty sure he is." Soundwave said, still sounding depressed. Skywarp shot at the barrel and flames erupted everywhere around Ironhide, sending him bouncing left and right till he fell into the energon pit. Soundwave was surprisingly unharmed in which he had a sweat drop moment in relief. Ironhide respawned on the 'offlined' bench for the players and Skywarp freaked out.

"No run, jump," Skywarp jumped away only to land right next to a mine. "OH FRAG MINE!" Everyone waited as the mine beeped. Skywarp made a quick prayer to Primus for the mine to be a dud in the few seconds he had to live and his prayers were answered as the mine sizzled out. At this, Skywarp let out the metaphorical breath he held. "Oh thank Primus."

"Come on." Ironhide stated, now sulking.

"The god of dumb luck smiles." Skywarp said with a grin.

"Hell yeah." Soundwave fist pumped the air at his near miss.

"Oh slag, there's nothing I can do." Sideswipe said. He and Arcee stood right above Megatron while Sunstreaker stood above Soundwave and Shockwave. "What to do, what to do…"

"You could jump off. That always works." Megatron answered.

"Actually, I'm going to do just that." Sideswipe said and jumped to a small alcove. "Hey Sunny, take my turn."

Sunstreaker walked to the edge and bungeed off the ledge, right above Shockwave. He took out a mine and placed it right on top of his helm. He then swung to the other side and landed on a small ledge jetting out of the right wall.

"Oh classy." Ratchet commented at the move.

"My HAT!" Shockwave grabbed the mine. "My beautiful beeping hat!" he said just as the mine blew off and sent both Soundwave and Shockwave into the Energon pit. The two appeared right next to Ironhide. "Aww damnit."

"Clapton damnit." Starscream stated offhand.

"Clapton damnit indeed my friend." Megatron moved down right above Ratchet. "This drill," Megatron pulled out a jackhammer. "This drill shall be the drill to pierce the Well of All Sparks." He then pointed the drill downwards. "Even though it's pointed downwards."

"That's not going to work." Ratchet stated offhand.

"DIE!" Megatron yelled and started the Jackhammer. He dug through the ground and landed on top of Ratchet who bounced to the side like he said. He then glared at Ratchet for being right. "Next time, I'm going to kick your Z-axis in the balls. Even though it should be Y-axis but no one needs to know."

Meanwhile, Optimus took the time to grab the extra health and took out a teleport device. "Hmm…" He looked around the map. "I'm going to teleport over here." Optimus pushed the button and moved above Thundercracker just as the jet's turn came up next. "Oh crap, what a bad case of timing."

"No, I'm not going after you." Thundercracker then handed off the turn to Skywarp who moved to get a good shot at Sunstreaker.

"Avenge me Comrade!" Shockwave yelled. "Avenge!" Skywarp pulled out a Bow and arrow and aimed at the 'bot. "Uh-oh"

"I'm Robin Hood!" Skywarp yelled which aimed a worried look from Sunstreaker.

"What are you doing?" Skywarp fired the arrow which landed right below the 'bot. "Platfor-" The second shot, however, knocked him in the Energon pit. "Oh, damn." He respawned next to the rest of them. "And here I thought I would live."

"Sorry, standard protocol. First one was a warning and you didn't give up." Skywarp stated and moved to the side.

"The first one was to make you feel like a failure." Megatron added. Arcee took the time to teleport right behind Thundercracker but above the ledge he is standing under. Megatron walked next to Ratchet to get ready for the next move.

"Are you going to show me you moves?" He asked. At that, Megatron chuckled.

"I'm going to show you my green boob with a red blinking nipple." Megatron dropped the grenade and ran for cover.

"That can't possibly be healthy!" The grenade exploded and sent Ratchet flying to the side, next to a mine. Thankfully he landed right before the mine picked up his signature. That and it was his turn next. "Hi, how's it going?" Ratchet asked while pulling out a napalm.

"Yeah, I'm going to kill you." Megatron growled out as Ratchet casually walked up next to him.

"Howdy-ho neighbor, I'm going to rip your processor out." Skywarp added offhand.

"I'm going to drag you into the ground and rip out your throat if you get any closer." Megatron threatened. Ratchet lobbed the napalm and dived out of the way. The fire pushed Megatron out from his cover and he skidded towards the bottomless pit of Energon. "Nonononononono." He franticly started to claw at the ground and managed to stop himself just at the edge. He picked himself back up and Thundercracker got to go next "TC, you are authorized to use full force."

"Which would in tell?" Thundercracker asked, looked for a way to jump up.

"Wow, the seeker trime sure haven't been hurt yet." Optimus said offhand.

"Kicking him in the balls as hard as you can." Megatron answered. "Preferably till he is pissing energon."

"What if it's a femme?" Sideswipe asked, watching Thundercracker use a Grapple to get up the ledge.

"Kicking her in the balls as hard as you can." Megatron answered.

"It requires a little more skill." Skywarp added.

"Kick her until she grows balls." Megatron finished. Thundercracker pulled out a shotgun and shot Arcee off her perch. He reloaded and aimed at Arcee.

"Get the FRAG out of my house!" Thundercracker yelled.

"This is not your house, you don't pay rent!"Arcee shot back and Thundercracker shot her out of the area and off the ledge.

"He pays rent?" Sideswipe added. Arcee climbed back up and moved back to Thundercracker. She then withdrew a bow and arrow.

"You shot me out of my house! Well have a taste of my ARROWS!" She yelled and fired one shot, which knocked Thundercracker right next to small opening. She aimed but stopped. "Is he actually going to fit in that hole?" She fired but the jet only bounced back, hit the wall, and landed right back in the same spot. "Guess not."

"TC is still a chunky bastard." Skywarp said, earning a glare from the jet.

"TC has not been doing his talon touches." Megatron added, also earning him a death glare.

"TC has not been doing proper squat thrust." Starscream joined in.

"He has not been thrusting his squats." Megatron finished. He pulled out some blueprints and looked around. "Great….I can't do anything… unless…" a large girder appeared right above him and he planned out where to place it.

"Oh not again!" Ratchet said, annoyed as the girder hovered above his head.

"THE GAME IS ON!" He then moved the girder right above Ratchet's head. "Wait…no, DAMNIT!" He accidently placed the Girder a little too high, wasting his only chance at blocking Ratchet off.

"What was the point of that?" Ratchet asked, while looking up.

"Oh shut up, it's all a part of the plan." Megatron finished. Optimus then pulled out Ravage from out of nowhere and aimed for Arcee and Thundercracker. Sure Arcee wouldn't mind…right? Well then again, he could always claim he was distracted. He threw the panther, which ran off the ledge and got stuck in a small spot right below him.

"What are you doing you stupid cat!" Ravage then managed to jump out of the small hole and ran towards Arcee.

"NOOOO!" She yelled and Ravage must of herd her as he jumped again, wall kicked off the wall, and ran in a small alcove right below Optimus. "Oh thank Primus…" The Panther fell and landed into the energon pit right next to Skywarp, who once again had a sweat drop moment.

"How is that possible?" Optimus asked, still awestruck at what just happened.

"The Predicon's love us Prime, what can I say." Megatron stated.

"Ok, since it's my turn, do you mind if I use up are last mech select so Thundercracker can shotgun Arcee to death?" Starscream asked Megatron. No answer came back. "No answer means yes."

"Just do something." Sideswipe stated, rather annoyed. Starscream gave the turn to Thundercracker and he shot Arcee once with a shotgun.

"No, don't kill me, how are you supposed to earn true love." Arcee pleaded. The jet put his gun down and Arcee sighed. Only for a moment as the Jet walked past her and shot her from the back. She moved forward but bounced back.

"No not the fat hole!" Megatron yelled, Thundercracker moved out of the well as Arcee pulled out some TNT and set it off , offlineing herself and taking a bit of the map down with her. She respawned with the rest on the bench though, the barrier still in place. "Yes, the chunkiness barricade is still in place." Megatron said happily. Meanwhile, Sideswipe pulled out a blowtorch and made a small path to get to Starscream. Megatron started to make his way to Ratchet with a shotgun in one hand.

"Y'know, maybe it would be best to use the Uzi to dig through and hit Ratchet into the mine." Skywarp added but Megatron ignored him and fit through. "Oh never mind, I thought that was another fat hole." Megatron then aimed the shotgun at Ratchet.

"Slag..." Ratchet sighed and Megatron shot him once, moved down, and shot him into the mine. The mine started beeping. Megatron tried to get away but failed.

"nononononononNO!" Megatron yelled and Ratchet pulled the same thing Arcee did, catching Megatron in the process. However it only barely hit him.

"One little bit of damage hit." Optimus stated.

"Oww, seriously, that didn't leave any visible marks or burns but still, oww." Megatron whined.

"Wow Evil overlord whining over a little hit." Sunstreaker said offhand. Optimus had the next turn to move.

"I suggest standing on that mine and thinking your next move over." Skywarp said.

"I agree with this." Megatron added.

"I don't." Optimus commented and used a parachute to float over to the other side. He tried to get over to Thundercracker but the fat hole prevented him from doing so.

"Ha! Go on a Jenny Craig you fat bastard!" Thundercracker mocked which earned him two shotgun shells from Optimus, who then climbed right above the fat hole to end his turn. "Oww you prick."

"Okay…might as well get rid of him." Starscream stated and look through his inventory. He noticed that he almost had all his ropes from the start of the match. "Wow we haven't used any ropes yet."

"We're just that good." Megatron stated with a hint of pride. "We are the anti-Autobots. We don't rely on ropes, we rely on pure skill. And by skill I mean stupidity." Starscream used a rope to hoist himself up to where Sideswipe stood and landed right next to him.

"Ok, time to use Religion as a weapon." The seeker stated and pulled out a white grenade with a cross on it.

"That doesn't seem smart." Optimus said offhand and for once, Starscream agreed.

"Fine, I'll use a cluster bomb." Starscream dropped the bomb and ran. The cluster bomb went off and barely hit anything since it was in a small area. Sideswipe still took most of the damage. "Maybe not."

Sideswipe took the chance to jump down right next to the seeker. "Ok, what to do…"

"You can surrender." Megatron answered.

"No." Optimus countered.

"You see that little white flag right next to the rope? Use it." Starscream offered.

"Hit my SIC over the helm with the white flag!" Megatron yelled.

"Auctually," Sideswipe pulled out a Bow and arrow and aimed at Starscream.

"What are you planning?" Optimus asked.

"I'm trying to knock him over to the oil barrel." Sideswipe said and shot, knocking Starscream over him, hitting the edge, and landing away.

"That's not going to work." Optimus stated.

"Can you even blow up an oil barrel with an arrow?" Starscream asked.

"The Laws of Physics say no." Megatron answered, Sideswipe aimed.

"Damn the laws." Optimus countered. Sideswipe shot the arrow, only to have Starscream bounce back at him, knocking them both into a small hole. Megatron started to move to where Ratchet offlined.

"We're you mechs watching that one match where me and Starscream kept placing our mechs on top of Sam's head?" Megatron asked, while jumping on the girder.

Optimus chuckled. "I don't think I was."

"Y'know, I can kill Sideswipe and you can get that one box on the edge…" Starscream looked in his items while Megatron grappled up to another ledge. "Oh wait never mind, I used the last one. So kill Sideswipe."

Megatron had trouble getting up and Time was running low. "Uh-oh…There's not enough time!" Megatron activated the jet boosters and flew up.

"That's a waste of an item." Optimus said offhand and Megatron dropped dynamite right next to Sideswipe and flew away, only taking three seconds.

"I ENDORCE this boom." Starscream stated, even though he was also going to take a hit. The dynamite exploded offlineing Sideswipe and causing major damage to Starscream. Megatron landed on top on another ledge. Sideswipe spawned with the rest of the 'offlined'.

"Victory is mine!" Megatron stated proudly.

"That was impressive." Optimus complemented.

"Ok, it's all up to you now." Sideswipe stated.

"Oh boy, that what I wanted to hear…" Optimus said sarcastically. He moved down, finished off Thundercracker, and shot the fat hole open with a shotgun. He moved in and ended his turn where TC offlined. Skywarp moved next. He then pulled out a teleporter and looked around.

"You have full life; you could teleport on top of him." Megatron offered. "He can't finish you off."

"Indeed your right." Skywarp then teleported on top of the ledge.

"Oh his helm, on his helm!" Megatron joked. Optimus then took out a grapple and shot the roof. He them grappled up to the ledge and shot Skywarp down. He then tried to jump to the other side but slipped off and face planted the ground right next to Skywarp, ending his turn abruptly.

"Aw, frag…" Optimus muttered, picking himself back up.

"The day is mine!" Skywarp said, thankful for his dumb luck. Megatron pulled out his last teleporter and teleported right on top of the weapon crate.

"Hello!" Megatron grabbed the content inside.

"What?" Sideswipe watched in awe at the move. "Great use of a teleporter…not." Optimus then dropped a holy hand grenade right next to Skywarp and ran, unfortunately did not get far enough to avoid the blast. "Oh no…nonononono…" Sideswipe started to bite the nonexistent nails on his servos. Optimus lived thankfully.

"I'm not happy with that move…" Optimus started to rub his left shoulder plaiting.

"Skywarp… he teleported for the last time." Soundwave stated as Skywarp appeared right next to him.

"Starscream….go, gogogo! Go kill him!" Megatron yelled. "There is no time to waste." Starscream ran and used Ropes to get by.

"Yes there is, there's plenty of time to waste." Optimus yelled.

"Shut up." Megatron countered.

"Go get some High Grade. Go get some High Grade."

"You're throwing off his groove!"

"Stellar got her groove back, he can too." Optimus then watched Starscream jump up next to him. "I think I'm dead."

"I don't think they have anything to kill you with." Sideswipe said offhand. "Unless they have a SUPER POWERFUL WEAPON FROM PRIMUS."

"They probably do." Optimus answered. "They call it the PROD LAZOR."

Starscream pulled out his own holy hand grenade. "No, I call it religion."

"Or Religion,-" Sideswipe started.

"They can kill me with religion." Optimus said, silently hoping for a miracle. The bomb blew up and sent both Starscream and Optimus flying. Starscream offlined and appeared with the rest of the group while Optimus…

"NO!" Starscream yelled. "1 HP!" And everyone burst out laughing.

"WE LIVE!" Sideswipe yelled.

"Please have no Grappling hooks left!" Starscream commented offhand. Optimus did the sign of the cross and started to move towards Megatron till he came to a slight problem.

"No, I can't get to him!" Optimus said, pulling out a grappling hook to get closer.

"Yes you can, get into the tunnel!" Sideswipe yelled.

"Yes you can… I mean no you can't!" Megatron corrected himself. "Shut up, don't pay attention to the mech behind the curtain." Optimus took the lower route. "Oh buddy, you just choose the wrong path." Megatron stated. The small area had one energon pit with little to no way for Optimus to get to Megatron. And Optimus was running out of time.

"I'll shoot you in the FACE!" Optimus yelled and pulled out a rocket launcher. He fired at full power but missed as the rocket flew over his head. "Slag! That should have worked!"

"It appears Optimus Prime…" Megatron got off his perch and looked in his inventory. Only to find he had no way to get across the gap. "Damn…"

"Just throw a hand grenade." Starscream offered. "There's little chance to miss."

"Knowing me…" Megatron pulled out a grenade and got ready to throw it, only to slip and drop the grenade in the Energon goo. "DAMNIT!"

"MEGATRON!" Starscream yelled and Optimus got ready to go. "HOLY PRIMUS!"

"Ok Sideswipe, what should I do." Optimus asked and pulled out a Grapple.

"Ok… uhh…." Sideswipe stuttered.

"You should shoot yourself in the peds." Megatron offered, "Like I just did." Optimus used the rope and tried to get over, but got stuck.

"No I'm stuck." Optimus struggled to get free.

"Yes you're stuck." Megatron said gleefully.

"No I'm not." Optimus got himself unstuck and kicked off the wall, touching the energon goo in the process.

"No you're are…You're not…" Megatron Just watched as Optimus got up to the ledge and looked through his inventory.

"Ok, I have one idea but I'm not sure if it's going to work." Optimus stated, hoisting himself to Megatron's level.

"What do you have in mind?" Sideswipe asked, watching the clock.

"Mine underneath him." Optimus said, pulling a mine.

"No, use a grenade!" Sideswipe yelled back, panicking at the time.

"Do nothing! Nothing, nothing." Megatron stated as Optimus dropped a grenade. "You are going to fail and I'm going to kill you now!"

"It will—AUGH!" Optimus yelled as the grenade blew up and knocked Megatron on a small patch of land right in the energon.

"NOOOOO!" Sideswipe yelled.

"Oh thank primus." Starscream stated offhand.

"Oh my Primus, this is the ending move failure festival." Sideswipe buried himself in his servos.

"Why won't this match end!" Optimus yelled.

"Than-" Megatron looked around. "Wait I can't….augh, I don't know what to do. Help me out here."

"Teleport away." Optimus offered

"They don't have any more teleporters." Sideswipe corrected.

"I don't have any teleport, any zero grav, any ropes." Megatron said as he jumped for the nearest area of land, right under a ledge.

"Ok, I think the bazooka will do 1 HP of splash damage." Starscream offered.

"It's worth a-" Megatron aimed and found out that, from where he was, he couldn't hit Optimus even for splash damage. "oh for Primus sake."

"You could have done it from where you were." Starscream said while burying his helm in his talons. Then he had an idea. "Grenade, lob a grenade up there!"

"Knowing my luck…" Megatron grumbled, pulling out a grenade.

"You can do it this time!" Starscream yelled. Megatron aimed and…

"PRIMUS!" Megatron yelled as he threw the grenade and it bounced off of a PIXEL of all things.

"NO!" Starscream once again buried his helm into his talons. This was in fact the end…

"Ok lets finish this." Sideswipe yelled. "Shotgun to the helm!" And with that, Optimus moved to the edge, took out a shotgun, and pointed down.

"Please don't die…" Starscream whimpered.

"Don't die, don't die!" Megatron said over and over.

"DIE ALREADY!" Optimus yelled and fired, sending Megatron into the energon.

"YES! THANK PRIMUS!" Sideswipe yelled.

"What was that?" Optimus asked, just as the match ended. The Autobots had won.

A/N: Next up, spell card madness.


End file.
